Sunday, October 03, 2010

Babies Come From Yard Sales...

Christian has asked me twice this last week if I was going to have a baby. Um...what?? Why did he ask? Do I look pregnant? No. (or at least I hope not.) Have we talked about bringing a baby home lately? No. Why did he ask....because we had a yard sale.

Let me explain a little...

We had a yard sale this past summer to help us raise money to adopt another baby. In Christian's world, it only makes sense that since we had the yard sale, we should be having a baby. Oh, how I wish it were really that easy.

Unfortunately, we have had to put adding another baby into our family on hold...possibly forever.'s even hard to write that. To think that chapter in my life is over breaks my heart and I get a lump in my throat every time I am forced to think about it. What makes the situation even worse is that I have no say in the matter. It's all about money. Circumstances beyond our control has made it impossible to even think about adoption right now.

Why not just get pregnant again? I know you are thinking that. We had Emma, so why not go that route again? I have a couple of reasons and of course you know I am going to share those.

1. When I as 24 I was told I would never get pregnant. The way the doctor told me was just like she was diagnosing a sinus infection. It may not have been a big deal to her, but that one sentence changed my life forever. Obviously, I have proven the doctors wrong. We have actually been pregnant three times. One of those pregnancies resulted in a happy, healthy, very sassy baby girl. However, I don't know if I can get pregnant again and carry the baby to term. I don't think I even want to try.

2. My pregnancy with Emma has hell. Yes, the outcome was well worth every miserable minute, but the whole nine months were horrible. Now with two small children and more responsibilities, I don't think being sick for nine months is fair to anyone.

3. I don't think I can deal with the constant worrying every day that today may be the last day I am pregnant. The fear of losing the baby while I am pregnant is horrible.

4. I really want another beautiful brown baby. I can't give birth to a brown baby...well, I guess I could, but I don't think Marcus would like that. (I kid, I kid.)

5. I really feel strongly that we are to adopt again. I have felt this way for a long time and can't shake this feeling. I have learned a long time ago that I have no control how I become a mommy. I also know that it is not in my time that things matter how much I whine about it.

Maybe we aren't completely closing this chapter in our lives forever. Maybe we are just taking a very long intermission. I wish I knew...

So if Christian now thinks that babies come from yard sales, how long do you think I can I get by before we have to have "the talk"?? 18? 19?


Emily said...

Love your honesty! Saying it out loud doesn't make that chapter closed... it's like you said- "it's on hold". Hang in there!

Tylaine said...

Hey there Monica,
I saw your response from the evite for the GNO we have planned. Just wanted to say I hope you come and I totally understand how you feel. You have a beautiful family! :) I have a little blond blue eyed Emma too :)

Anonymous said...

It is not for everyone, but you may want to consider foster-adoption. It is nearly free and there are lots of success stories of people adopting infants or very young babies. Call your state department of family services for more information.