Shane wanted to spice things up a bit in our little PSS group so he asked: If you caught your spouse cheating on you, would you forgive them and remain married? What if it had been going on for years? What if they continued after you caught them?
I picked Christian up from preschool today and I was two minutes late...yes, a whole TWO minutes late. Construction on Riverdale Road is a pain in the rear.
He was sitting on a chair outside his classroom waiting for me. I talked to his teacher for a minute and then we went out to the car. I was talking to him about his day and asked him if he had fun at school. He said no so I asked him why and he said, "When I came out the front door, I wanted mommy and you weren't there."
Ouch..that hurt...but it gets even better. We were pulling out of the driveway and Christian said, "Mommy, you weren't there. You broke my heart."
I will NEVER be late again.
I have way cute pictures from his first day I need to post, but Marcus is hogging my computer and the memory card reader so I can't transfer my pictures over...I will soon though...or something.
I've been living in a fog the past week. Life is so crazy and busy; so much going on and things to do. Marcus finally has a date set for his surgery. They will be going in on September 12 for the surgery. I'm not worried about the it. I know that sounds bad, but I know Marcus is doing the right thing; he was lead to Juan for a reason. We will be so blessed after the surgery. To be totally honest, I'm glad it's almost over. Marcus is always on the phone doing interviews for TV or newspaper or being the one helping with the fund raising. Other states are even picking up the story. Any exposure the story picks up is great, hopefully that means more donations for Juan. Many of our friends, neighbors and ward members have asked us what they can do to help. I don't ask for help. I don't like to admit to myself or anyone else that I can't do everything by myself. We will probably have meals brought in for a few days and a friend's son will do the yard work so I don't have to try to mow the lawn while I am holding Christian and Emma...that would be fun.
I haven't talked about the surgery much before this. I am very surprised at people's reactions. To Marcus and me, deciding to donate a kidney was very easy. We found out that Juan needed a transplant and we both decided to get tested. Marcus went first and WOW! he was a match. Many people have told us that they don't think they could do what he is doing. We don't think it's a big deal. We have been given the opportunity to help save Juan's life and know things will be okay.....I say we...cuz I'm doing anything, but you get the point.
I have apologized to Marcus a couple of times through this whole process. A lot of people have asked if I am okay with him doing this and how I feel about the surgery. I am completely fine with him doing this and am not worried. Maybe I should be. This is gonna sound horrible, but to me, it's not that big of a deal. Marcus is amazing for being willing to do this, but I would like to think that anyone who was given the chance to help someone else would do it. I am learning that Marcus and I have a different outlook and attitude about this whole thing.
I am struggling with all the attention and hype Marcus and our family is getting for this whole thing. I feel like I have to put on a big smile and be happy. I hope I am putting on a good show because I am suffering silently. I had a miscarriage last week and I am not quite sure how to deal with it or handle it. For starters, I am not sharing this bit of personal information to get sympathy or attention. I have been very distant and quiet and feel like I owe some an explanation. I also need to get this out so I can deal with it better than I currently am..which is not at all. I keep myself so busy that I don't think about things. I'm just waiting for the time that it just all comes out. We didn't know we were pregnant. We weren't even trying. Emma is only 14 months old and between her and Christian, I am not ready for a baby or to be pregnant since I was so sick with Emma the whole time. The first miscarriage we had was heart breaking and life changing. We were so excited to finally be pregnant after trying so hard for so long. We had plans and we knew there was a baby. This time around, we didn't have plans or know there was a baby. I am sad. I am heartbroken. But I feel like I am not sad enough or heartbroken enough. I lost a baby again. It's horrible. I know it's okay to be sad, but I don't find myself wanting to deal with it. I didn't go to the doctor. I didn't want to hear the "I'm sorry" or the "There's nothing we can do" or the "It's not your fault" that they would all say.
There isn't such a thing as a good time for to lose a baby, but now is such bad timing. Getting ready for Marcus' surgery, the busy photography season is picking up, Marcus being really involved in helping raise money for Juan, all the house projects we have going, all the church stuff we both have going on...I feel like there isn't time to mourn. Even Marcus admitted he doesn't know what to say to me about it. I don't know either. I know that I do want another baby eventually. I do know that things happen for a reason. I do know that what happened sucks. But I don't know how to make myself feel better. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I am dealing with this loss much better then the first. There have been less tears and less break downs. Maybe it happened now for a reason. I don't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. Maybe if we weren't so busy, I would be much more of an emotional wreck. I'm crazy enough on a normal day.
Thank you to everyone for your well wishes for Marcus on his surgery and thank you to those few that knew about the miscarriage for your concern as well. We are blessed to have such great family and friends.
Can you tell I am trying to get caught up on my PSS questions?!
Lisa asked last week: "If you had to choose, would you rather give up your sight or your hearing? Why?"
I would rather give up my hearing. I would miss hearing my little ones laugh, but I could still see them having fun and smiling. If I lost my hearing, my other senses would become stronger and I think over time would help compensate the hearing loss.
FINALLY!! Caught up on my questions...for now anyway.
I asked a couple of questions ago: "What is your earliest childhood memory?"
I don't remember hardly anything from my early childhood. Freak, I don't remember much of anything anymore.
There are two early memories that pop into my mind when I think back to my childhood.
1. I was probably 3 or 4 and I got bit by a dog. It was a black poodle and I think it's name was Pepper. We were at a neighbor's house and it was their dog. I wouldn't stop crying so my parents sent me home. I know that sounds horrible and I am sure there is a lot more to the story, but that is all I remember. I don't think my parents would have sent me home alone it I was that young, and I also don't think they would get upset that I was upset because I got bit by a dog. Stupid dog. I've never liked poodles...maybe that's why.
2. My sister and I use to have egg babies. We had red pencil boxes that we decorated for their house. I don't remember if we blew the inside of the egg out or if we just used the whole egg. All I remember is putting an egg in it's house and making clothes for it. (Help me out Kim.)
Amy asked: "What 5 material things (so not kids, spouses, money, etc. I am talking about real tangibles) would you not want to live without? "
This question was hard for me. I am not a materialistic person; I can't take it with me when I die so I don't get attached to things. Here are five things that I really like and make life a little easier.
1. Flip flops. I hate wearing real shoes. I will wear flip flops all year round; rain, snow or shine. When I was pregnant, I had one pair of flip flops that I wore the whole nine months. They have seen better days.
2. Laptop. I rely on my computer way too much. It was out of commission for a few days while Marcus fixed it and I didn't know what to do with myself.
3. Hairspray. I'm vain. Enough said.
4. My pillow. It's a nice, big, fluffy, new pillow. It's heaven.
5. Excedrin Migraine. Too much to do and too much stress make these little pills my best buddies.
Four questions ago, my sister asked us to give our top five books, good or bad...they just had to have left an impact on your life.
I used to read smart books when I was in high school and college. Than I got out of school and now I just read stupid stuff. I hope I can even think of five.
1. I know I have mentioned it before, and I know I have been laughed at about it before, but the Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room would be on my list. While I was going through my stuff in the basement, I actually found my copy of this book and was so excited!!! The labeled boxes. The peg board. It's all so wonderful!!
2. The Book of Mormon. I need to read this more. Life functions better when I read this more often.
3. 1984. This book was messed up. I remember staying up the night before my AP English book report on this book was do. I was up until almost 4 am and then at school by 8. It was great.
4. Love You Forever. This book used to make me bawl every time I would read it. Then Christian had me read this book EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for forever. I can still get teary eyed occasionally.
5. Where the Red Fern Grows. It's been years and years since I read this book, but I still remember the emotion that came with it.
*Just a few years ago, Marcus and I had only one business and two children every other week. Life was easy. I only worked three days a week and the other two week days were mine to do what I wanted to do. Our house was spotless. Our yard was perfect. We had a garden. The raspberry plants were trimmed. Life was simple. Fast forward less then three years later--We now have three businesses and four children. Life is anything but easy. I never get a day off and rarely get to do what I want to do. The house is a disaster. Our yard is a mess. We have a garden...a weed garden that is. The raspberry plants are taking over our backyard. Life is busy and stressful and exhausting...but I wouldn't have it any other way.
*I think something really bad happened today. It's something I will never know for sure, but I think I do know. It could be heart breaking if I think too much about it, so I chose not to...but I don't know if that is healthy either. I know everything happens for a reason and sometimes the things that do happen don't make sense for along time...but I also don't have the time or energy to try to look at the big picture right now. Things will be okay in time regardless if this did or did not happen.
*We have been cleaning/organizing/remodeling our house for almost a month. I am exhausted. We still aren't done. We are trying to get lots of projects and such done before Marcus goes in for surgery. After his surgery, he'll be out of commission for awhile. Life will be great...I'll want my mommy.
*I am four or five weeks behind on my PSS topics. I fear I am turning into Shane....oops!! I'll answer them all...eventually.
*Next time I buy make-up, I want to get the kind that I don't have to read directions and watch a dvd on how to apply it...maybe that's why I look so scary lately.
*Christian goes to his first day of preschool on Wednesday. It's a Parents' Day. We get to go with him for his first day and then his first official day of school is on Monday. Can you say "Mommy issues"?
*Where has the summer gone? It seems like just yesterday it had started, not it's all gone. I need to post some pictures and stories of our summer activities. We had lots of fun.
*I haven't written anything about Marcus' surgery until the post with the link to the news. I need to write about this whole journey, but I am not ready yet. We meet with the surgeon tomorrow. It's really happening...it's not a what if or a maybe anymore. My husband is going to save Juan's life. It's been an incredible experience and journey for all of us.
*I'm exhausted. Must sleep...possibly right where I am because walking upstairs may require too much energy.
My mommy is a slacker. I turned one on June 16 and had a great birthday party, and my mommy kept telling me she was going to post about it but never did. I decided if I wanted a record of my first birthday, I better write about it myself.
My mommy made me wear this outfit. (She thinks I am her doll, I think.) My party was all about cupcakes. The older kids decorated their own cupcakes with frosting, gummy bears, gumballs, cookies, and all sorts of other yummy goodies. But I got a whole cupcake cake all to myself. It was the most sugar I have ever eaten. Yummy!! Wasn't my cake cute? My mommy made it for me and I really enjoyed it.
I got a lot of really good presents. But my favorite present:
I got other neat presents too, but I wanted to play with the flowers...they were so pretty and colorful.
I had a great time at my party. My mommy worries about silly things, but everything turned out perfectly.
My mommy thinks I am growing up too fast. She still remembers the day I was born and the first couple days after I came home. She wants me to stay a baby forever, but I am ready to grow up. I was walking when I was eleven months old and saying lots and lots of words. I finally say "mama" now; I don't call mommy a dodo anymore. I am a very big momma's girl, but I don't think she minds. I like to play on the stairs and try to eat toilet paper. Mommy tries to stop me, but that doesn't stop me from trying. I will only give hugs and kisses when I want to. If you ask me and I don't want to do it, i will say uh-uh and push you away. I am a very sassy little girl, but I am so cute I get away with it.
I better give my mommy's computer back and get back in bed. It's way past my bedtime.