Thursday, February 28, 2008

Mother Knows Best...

I'm a giver. I enjoy sharing and giving others what I have. (unless it's dessert...touch it and you'll be sorry) I had a really bad cold this weekend that left me miserable. Being the selfless person I am, I decided to share this with Emma. On Monday she started out the day with a running nose. I knew she had my cold, and figured it was just that. She got progressively worse as the day went on and by last night wasn't sounding very good or acting like she was feeling very well. I called her pediatrician's office and they wanted to see her since she was under one. We woke up this morning and she was doing better so I wasn't going to take her in. I knew that the doctor would just tell me to give her plenty of fluids and call him if it got worse. And we don't currently have insurance because self employment and insurance don't go together very well. I debated for an hour whether to take her or not. My gut instinct kept telling me to take her in.

Thank goodness for mother's instinct. Emma has RSV and some other thing I can't say or spell...broncho something. In lame man's terms, her lungs sound like crap basically. They took her oxygen level and she was only a few points away from needing to be hospitalized. We have to give her breathing treatments every four hours that she completely hates. We had to get a nebulizer from a local company and without insurance, it was going to be a huge chunk of change directly out of our pocket. The doctor went out of his way to help us out. They were going to actually let us borrow one of their nebulizers so we didn't have to pay. But the nurse called the company and they had an old one they just sold us for $25! I love our pediatrician's office!! We have to watch her very closely and take her right in if she gets worse. She is all raspy and nasty sounding. The only good thing about her being sick is she is so cuddly. She never cuddles unless she is sleeping. I am milking this for all it's worth. Even though she is so sick, she is still pretty happy. She smiled at the doctor and he was impressed she was smiling for being so sick. She isn't eating or nursing and just wants to be held most of them time. The doctor also said that it looks like she could be developing an ear infection as well. Poor little girl. So we are pretty much stuck in the house until we go back to the doctor on Monday. That should be fun. Time to go torture her some more; she HATES the treatments but whatever it takes to make her feel better. Without chasing her away from the stairs, I don't get my daily exercise done. Let's hope she gets better quickly!!

Monday, February 25, 2008

When Did I Become Such a Sissy Girl Thing?!

I am the biggest baby in the world today. I am not normally a very emotional, sappy person; today I was the definition of a very emotional, sappy person. I took Emma to daycare with Christian for the first time today. I have things I need to do each week with one of our restaurants, and I have to tackle getting this house back to Monica standards. After much thought and feelings of failure, (because I should be able to do everything perfectly all the time with two little ones hanging on my legs)I decided once a week Emma and Christian would go to daycare. I dropped them off this morning and left my typical rundown of how much of a diva my baby is and to call me if she won't stop crying, blah, typical over protective, paranoid freak "you know everything I am telling you because you run your own daycare and have been doing this for years" but I know my baby is going to be the exception to the norm spill. Emma didn't even notice when I left. My baby doesn't rely on me to fulfill her every need like she used to. She can survive and be just fine without me...realizing that hurt. (It did make me feel a lot better when I picked them up and they told me that fifteen minutes after I left, Emma realized that I was gone and wigged!) When the lady handed Emma to me, she looked right at me, poked out her bottom lip and the tears started to fall. It was terribly sad but YES! She missed me. After all things were said and done, taking them both to daycare was a very smart choice. I got my work done and my closet and bathroom cupboards cleaned out.

After I picked up the little ones, we went to register Christian for preschool later in the fall. He's not old enough for preschool; he's still a baby. I take my baby to daycare and register my other baby for preschool. Where has the time gone? I think Christian will really like the preschool we chose for him. I didn't really know exactly what to look for in a school, but this one will be fun for him; pricey, but fun. We do have to have him potty trained by the end of August. The preschool won't take him if he's still in diapers. I can't say I blame them; it would be much easier for a lot of people if he would get trained. So we started a little more aggressively pursuing the training today. That was loads of fun.

So while the kids were gone this morning and my work was done, I cleaned out my closet and bathroom cupboards. The spring cleaning bug has bit me early. I want to empty out my whole house and start over. I started with my closet because it was driving me crazy. Who know cleaning out a closet could be so emotional?! I boxed up my maternity clothes; don't really need them anymore. I couldn't get rid of them though. Who knows, maybe in a few years I will want to throw up everyday and gain 70 pounds again; that sounds great! Then I donated a butt load of clothes including suits I used to wear when I had a "real" job. I have no need for them now and if I do join the workforce again, the suits aren't going to be in style then. I feel like I am closing the door to many chapters in my life. It's kinda sad and a little depressing, but where one door closes, another one opens...or something.

There was a shelf in my closet that had a bunch of scrapbook stuff and odds and ends that needed to go to the basement that I am just too lazy to take down there. I can't just throw it in a box and take it downstairs; I had to go throw and look at everything. I am a sissy. The tears started flowing. I found the bag that had all of Emma's stuff from the hospital: her little shirt she wore, her bracelet, her footprints, her little name card. Where has the time gone? She used to be so little! Then I found the letter we wrote to Tammie when we started the whole adoption process. Yes, bawling some more. Then to top it all off, I am going through my wedding album, and I find the two pages I scrapped of my miscarriage. I had forgotten all about them. I had written a letter to the baby and scrapped a couple of pictures of presents he/she had gotten. I have my own ideas and thoughts on my miscarriage that I won't share right now, but I am okay with things. It was just a shock to my system to find those unexpectedly. It brought back all the emotions and feelings that I had immediately after losing the baby.

After I found those pages, I had decided enough was enough. No more bawling. I had work to do. I dried my tears and got to work. I finished the closet and moved on to the bathroom. How many different bottles of hairspray, shampoo, gels, and freaking lip gloss does one girl need?! There was a time where I would have never thrown any of that stuff away; you never know when you are going to need silver nail polish or five eyeliners all in the same color. I have a whole garbage bag ready to go outside. It felt so good to get rid of so much stuff. I want to do the rest of my house now, but I have to do it in spurts so I don't make the house a bigger mess then it is now. I have this habit of making a bigger mess when I am trying to clean than what there was before I started.

Cleaning out these two areas today made me realize that I am a different person then I was even a year ago. Things that were so important then, just don't matter as much anymore. I don't need the name brand jeans and clothes to be happy. All the lip gloss in the world isn't going to do a thing for me in the long run. Sure, it'll make me hot now, but that's only temporary. :)

If I was this emotional cleaning out these two small areas, what's gonna happen when I get to the basement? Grab your life vest...there just might be a flood!!

Friday, February 22, 2008

How Many Trees Were Killed For This?

Dear Valued Sam's Club Member,

Thank you for your recent purchase of an Animal Rocker (#857101). After further inspection, it has been discovered that this item was incorrectly labeled. A hang tag on the rocker advertised that the product was made in China, but a sticker placed elsewhere on the item stated that the rocker was made in the United States. Only the fabric was made in China; the rocker itself and all other components were manufactured and assembled in the United States. We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.
There are no problems with the rocker itself; however, such a miscommunication is not consistent with the high standards of integrity Sam's Club has set for our products.

After such a terrible mistake, they think a simple letter will make the hurt and inconvenience go away? I'm smelling lawsuit.....

Two Years Ago

It was two years ago today..well technically yesterday now I guess, that Christian came into our family. In some ways it feels like we just met him and Tammie (his birthmom) and then at the same time, it feels like he has been in our lives forever. On special occasions and holidays, I always feel a little sad. I can't help but think what Tammie is thinking and feeling. Does she regret her decision? Does she know how much we love our little boy? Does she know how grateful we are to her for giving us the greatest gift? We always have people ask why she gave him up for adoption, especially since he was all ready one. We never really got all the details, nor do I really think it was our place to hear everything. Tammie did what she knew was best for her little boy. When we left Tammie and Summer in the hotel room for the last time with Christian, all she did was pat him on the back and said bye. It took me awhile to understand that. Tammie had all ready said her good byes and she knew he was going home with two people who, although they had just met Christian, loved him as much as she did. The second that door closed, I was so emotional. I was so happy to have a little boy; a little one to call my own. But at the same time, I had just taken someone else's baby. How could that be okay? I often find myself thinking or even singing the Michael McLean song "From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Yours". I don't think there is anything out there that sums up adoption more than that song. I am responsible for loving this little boy not only for me, but for Tammie as well. Christian knows who Tammie is, we talk about her and he even has pictures. As he grows up, he can make the decision as to what kind of contact he has with her.
Christian has brought so much joy and laughter into our family. He is a hand full, but even when he is being naughty, he is still the best little guy.
It was not by chance that Christian came into our family. He was meant to be our little boy. There were way too many "coincidences" for them to be "coincidences". Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing. If I ever need an example of prayers being answered or of having faith, I can share the story of Christian's adoption. Marcus still can't share the story without crying. Sissy! :) We are truly blessed to have Christian as a part of our eternal family. Thank you Christian for being my little boy. Thank you Tammie for trusting us to raise this wonderful little boy. We love you little man!!

This is the first night we met Christian. We all met at the California Pizza Kitchen. The minute they walked in, we were in love with this beautiful little boy.

Christian's first night home. All he had to bring home with him was the clothes on his back, a coat and an ELMO doll.

Who are all those strange pale people?!?!

Christian playing in a blanket Tammie sent him. (I think this picture was Novemberish...maybe.)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Am A Very Lucky Person...

For some unknown reason I have been reading a lot of blogs of people who have lost small children. I have no idea why I am doing this to myself; I bawl uncontrollably and some, I just down right sob over. To anyone who has ever lost a child and can go on with their day to day lives, you are my hero. After my miscarriage, it was very hard to get myself out of bed and do anything for awhile. I think about anything happening to my babies, and I honestly don't think I could go on. I know that my family is forever, but the thought of losing any of them still just breaks my heart.

I know not everyone has children or even wants children of their own. Not everyone gets to experience the miracle of looking into your newborn's eyes for the first time or experiencing the wonderful gift of adoption. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and ideas; I have always wanted lots and lots of babies to love, cuddle and nibble on. As much as I struggle sometimes being a mommy, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I feel it is the most selfless act I can do; put my wants and needs aside for the sake of my children's happiness and future. If Christian wants to sing the ABC's five times in a row, we will sing it five times in a row. If Emma wants to climb the stairs time and time again, we will do it. If I can raise my children to be well mannered, kind, giving, loving people in society, I have done my job. If I can teach them to smile at everyone they meet and make someone's day a little brighter, that's worth the sleepless nights and constant diaper duty. I don't expect my children to cure cancer or figure out how to accomplish world peace. I expect my children to respect themselves and others...plain and simple. I want them to be nice and understanding...more people should try that.

I apologize for my little tangent there. I struggle with Christian not listening to me and with Emma STILL not sleeping through the night, but when I read the stories about families who have lost their babies, suddenly the temper tantrums and sleepless nights don't matter that much. After I read the stories or watch the videos, it makes me realize how lucky I am and it also makes me want to hold onto my babies and never let go. At the moment, I have two cousins who have babies at Primary Children's Hospital. My thoughts and prayers are with them daily. Life is too fragile and often taken for granted. Tomorrow I will try to be more patient with my little ones and be quicker to praise instead of yell and make sure they know how loved and wanted they are. You never know what life can throw at you.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Project Say Something

My sister and some of her friends have a question/answer thing going on called Project Say Something. Each week, one of them asks the others a question and they all post the answers to their own individual blogs. I was invited to join and thought it would be nice to actually have one reason once a week to post something. However, I do feel like I am ten years old again; wanting to hang out with my sister and all her friends but not being "cool" enough for her to want me around. So hopefully I don't embarrass her too bad and she doesn't regret asking me to do this.

As a welcome to the group, I had the opportunity to ask this week's question. I asked:

Other than having/raising children, what is one thing you can say you have done (or are doing) that will make the world a better place?

One would think I would chose my first question to be a good one that I would have a good reply to...that would mean I was smart....which we all know, I am not. I have been doing some thinking about things I have done in the past that I believe (or hope) would make a difference in the life of others and ultimately make the world a better place. The first thing that comes to mind is doing Sub for Santa this year for a family in Layton. A grandma who usually does Christmas for her four grandkids had a hard year last year and wasn't able to provide Christmas for her family, so Marcus and I did a Christmas for the family. It was a little hard buying presents for people that you didn't know hardly anything about, but when we dropped off the presents and saw how grateful and appreciative the family it was all worth it. I hope this is something we can do every year for a family.

I believe in the whole "pay it forward" thing or karma or whatever one wants to call it. If you do nice things for people, nice things will happen to you. (I'm looking past the fact that after we delivered the presents to the family, we got a flat tire at night in Dec. in Utah and we had to get out of the van so Marcus could change the tire and smart Jessi didn't wear a coat so I had to give up mine, Marcus was sick and miserable but still annoyingly chipper while laying on the freezing cold cement trying to get the spare tire down, and by the time we were done, Christian and Emma were both screaming hysterically...but good things will happen.) We get what we give. I need to give more.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

It Wasn't Me...

I don't know where the remote is. I am sorry that you can't watch Spongebob, Elmo, Backyardigans, Zach and Cody, Zoey 101, and all that other crap on tv. I am sorry you have to find something else to do. I am sorry you have to interact with others and not stare at the TV. I really don't know where it is. I didn't hide it. Nope, wasn't me.

No Conan, No David, No John Stewart, No Mythbusters. Maybe the remote will come back tomorrow. Maybe we can go one full day without the TV on....because I really don't know where the remote is. No one can make me find it. (Well, maybe Marcus can...he is bigger than me.)

But really, I don't know where it is...Quality time is good...especially the quality time that includes:
Stop it!
She bit me!
She pulled my hair!
He took his ball!
She called me Puke!

Yeah, quality time is great.