Mini Extreme Make Over...

Remember this horrible....err...a pink room? This was done about three years ago for Taylor. Marcus let her pick out the colors...yeah, we had words later on letting a 10 year old have complete say on her bedroom.

If you ever had a stomachache, you could walk into this room; it was just like you were walking into a bottle of Pepto Bismol...

Taylor turned 13 last week and we decided to redo her room for her birthday present. She was gone to her mom's house the week before her birthday, so it worked out perfectly. We had exactly a week to paint, shop, redecorate,clean and organize her room. And on top of that, we are in right in the middle of crazy photo shoots and not feeling great. But we did it.

So we go from crazy pink to:



Awesome Purple, Gray and Black!!!



Taylor showed Marcus a bed set she liked and then the rest was up to us. Jessi gave a lot of good advice and was a lot of help...from a distance. She had whooping cough and I wouldn't let her inside our house. With Emma's asthma, there was no way I was letting her be near the cootie, sick girl. Luckily, when it was time for the girls to come back to our house, Jessi was doing better.



We painted her wood dresser and bookshelf white. Marcus' mom made the throw pillows. Marcus did most of the painting.



Taylor LOVED her room!! Her reaction was the best!! It was a good thing for her I think. She just turned 13, this room is like a fresh start for her teenage years.

I love Taylor's room too!! It turned out so much better than we had hoped. Doing her room has made me want to redo the whole house. Instead, I think I will just clean it. With all the focus on Taylor's room last week, the rest of the house suffered. Let's just say I hope Emma can find her way out of her room in the morning...

Linking up to:

Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda....

Disclaimer:
The following post is not to gain sympathy or encourage anyone to build my self esteem. I have my issues and I have a blog; this is where I air my issues. I'm not fishing for compliments...
Yes, unfortunately for certain people I have to have this kind of disclaimer. Everyone is entitled to a pity party ever now and then. Today it's my turn.

Anyway, on to my point..

I have always struggled with self esteem and self image issues. It's not anything I can blame on anyone else; not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends...it's just me. I was loved and praised as a child growing up and was always told how smart and wonderful and blah blah blah I was. I won't be on a shrink's couch anytime soon blaming my parents for my low self esteem and poor self image issues. I have always been a perfectionist and HATE to make mistakes or do anything wrong. If something doesn't come naturally to me, I quit. Bad habit, yes, I know.

I have never been happy with the way I look or with my body. Even before I got pregnant, gained 70 pounds and lost MOST of that, I was never happy with my body. I have been a size 5 before family life took over. Even then I wasn't thin enough. I have issues. You can get lost in my many chins. I have big cankles. (hence the blog name.) I am a shy, reserved person because I am too worried about looking like an idiot. I am so stinkin' self conscious of every little thing I do.

For example:

For those who are friends with me on Facebook know that I just did a photo shoot for an online clothing company.

They were having a contest for models for their new Spring line. All you had to was send in a picture of yourself and they would choose a handful of girls to model their new clothes. I was chosen to be one of the models!! I was so excited. I got to go to Park City, to a 4.25 MILLION DOLLAR mansion (it was HUGE!!) and model their Spring line. I was so excited to have this opportunity to feel like a model and try something I had never done before.

Only now...I completely regret it.
(No, I didn't pose nude and now regret the pictures. :) Geeze, people.)

The company is slowly releasing pictures here and there on their website and Facebook. I am in hardly any. I know, I sound like a spoiled brat and a baby. But my self esteem took a HUGE dip after the photo shoot. It has affected me more than I ever thought it would.


(They used a picture of me, but cut off my head so you can only see my chest!!!...I didn't know my face was that bad!) Okay, I'm only kidding about this part. They are showing off the flowers on this cardigan, I know that.

So of course I'm thinking they didn't use any of me because I was the biggest girl there...and I really was. I wasn't even in double digit sizes, but I was still the largest girl there. I thought the other girls were all prettier than me. Or I only won the contest because they felt sorry for me. And on and on and on. I felt like I was back in junior high. I didn't feel like I fit in and didn't know where I belonged.


I have now realized that it IS completely my fault that my pictures weren't used. But, it's not because of how big my thighs looked or the fact that I was having a bad hair day. I didn't LET myself have fun. I didn't let myself relax enough in front of the camera to get pictures that didn't look so stiff. I was too worried about looking dumb.

If I could go back and do it over again, I would do a lot of things differently. Relax. Have Fun. Smile. Be Silly. I need to apply that to all of my life, not just the photo shoot. I need to stop taking myself so seriously and be okay with making mistakes and doing stupid things.

I don't know how to build my self esteem now. I am in my 30's. I should be comfortable with who I am and like the person that I have become. I should love my body, imperfections and all. But I'm not and I don't. How do you conquer your fears of rejection and not being good enough? How do you start to love the person you are?


I don't completely regret finding the clothing company. I LOVE the clothes they have. They are affordable and modest, two things that are hard to find. Marcus may regret me finding them when we have a little extra money to throw around though...

I will continue to be involved with photography...I will just stay on the other end of the camera. I will continue to try to learn how to deal with my imperfections and insecurities. I will continue to hate my cankles...always have, always will. They aren't going anywhere. :)

Another disclaimer:
By no means am I talking bad about Impel Clothing or the other models there. They were all so awesome. Go check out Impel Clothing. They offer way cute stuff!

Friday Confessional: Free Therapy...

Time for Friday Confessional again. I really love these kind of posts; I get to write down a bunch of random thoughts and feelings and not worry about trying to make sense of it. So here we go. Hold on, it's gonna be a wild ride.

I confess:

I'm exhausted.
Not the "I've just ran 13 miles" exhausted.
Not the "I stayed up too late and got up too early" exhausted.
Not even the "I haven't had my daily Diet Coke" exhausted.
I'm the kind of exhausted that comes from trying to hard: trying to be someone I'm not. Trying to please everyone and feeling like I am letting everyone down instead. Trying to figure things and just ending up more lost than before.

I'm stuck in a rut and can't seem to find my way out. Every so often I think, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today is going to be the day that things change." Without fail, that exact day turns out to be an icky kind of day. So I end up gorging myself on cheeseburgers, french fries and cookies. I feel better for about five minutes and then feel guilty for eating my weight in nasty, greasy food.

The kind of exhausted that comes from moving but not going anywhere.

I confess:

I find myself living vicariously through a handful of blogs I read. They are the kind of blogs that only talk about rainbows and butterflies, never the storms before the rainbow. They have the perfect families, spotless houses and amazing friends. They are the perfect moms who sew, bake, cook and craft like Martha freaking Stewart. They are the opposite of me, maybe that's why I enjoy reading them so much. I used to have a spotless house. Everything had it's place and everything made sense. Only homemade cookies if we were to make cookies. Twice in the past week we have made cookies; they just had to be put on a cookie sheet and put into the oven. No cutting out or frosting required. Did the kids care? No. Did I care? You bet your sweet booty I did. Next time we make cookies, I'm sure they will all ready be cut out and ready to go. I can't even access my craft room at the moment. My Valentine's decorations are still in the garage. I have good intentions of getting stuff done, but that's about how far I get these days.

I confess:

I hate how I can write really good blog posts in my head while I am driving down the freeway. Then I get home and I try to write a post, and I sound like I am in fifth grade trying to write a complete sentence. Grrrr...it's annoying. I have lots of good ideas for posts, but I never get to writing them down.

I confess:

I am too lazy to walk up to bed. I am now on my third episode of The Nanny on Nick at Nite. I love The Nanny. It cracks me up.

I confess:

My three year old is OBSESSED with Justin Bieber. I mean completely and totally head over heals in love with his boy. She is three. I think she is gonna need therapy soon. She listens to his CD non-stop. She has to have it on to go to sleep at night. She takes it with us in car. She will lay in her room and listen to it for hours. She has this white tiger that is bigger than she is. She has decided that he is Justin Bieber. He also goes everywhere with us. My mom, bless her heart, bought Emma a Justin Bieber t-shirt. She would wear it all the time if I let her. She says she is going to marry him in the temple. If you say anything bad about him, she gets honestly upset. It started out as cute, but now it's a little extreme. Come on, she's three. I fear what she is going to be like when she is 13.

I confess:

Today is the one year anniversary of my surgery. Medically speaking (regarding the kidney anyway) it is safe to get pregnant now. Now I just need to convince the husband. Realistically we can not afford adoption, like ever again. Unless we win the lottery. Or come across some rich uncle that leaves us a small fortune. I feel like someone is missing from our family. There is room in my heart for another baby. But I don't think my patience has anymore room at the moment. Maybe someday...

Pepe, the wonderful man who received my kidney, is doing wonderful. I received a very nice card from him in the mail today. His medication has been cut in half and he says he has a new lease on life. I love that I was able to make someone's life better.

All right, now that the fourth episode of The Nanny is starting, I think it's my bedtime. So go check out the rest of the Friday Confessionals and link up. It's refreshing, like a free mini therapy session.

Dear Christian...

I can't believe it!! Today you are six years old!! Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday that we were getting a phone call that changed our lives forever. You were an answer to my prayers and a light in my life.



You are turning into such a wonderful little boy. I won't be able to call you a little boy much longer; it seems time is going much too quickly. I still remember you having your "bup" and smearing poop all over your crib. (you naughty little boy.)



You are so talented it's almost unbelievable. The way you can pick up any instrument and figure out how to play it is beyond me. You have more rhythm in your little finger than I do in my whole body. I love watching you play sports; another natural talent you have. (Which is a very good thing, cuz we all know how well Daddy throws a ball.)



Your sisters love you very much; you are an awesome brother. Emma adores you and I love watching you two play together.



I love how you make friends wherever you go. You are always playing with your friends. It was hard for me at first to let you play with friends all the time; it made me realize that you are growing up and Mommy isn't as cool as she use to be.

You keep me on track: you don't let me say bad words, if we forget prayers you are always the one to remind me and you always want to read your scriptures. I love it.



I know I grumble a lot because you still come into my bed EvErY night. One night I asked you why you felt like you had to come in my bed every night. You were half asleep but your answer was, "Because I love you." How could I make you go back to bed that night? I love that when you are scared or lonely at night, cuddling with me makes everything okay. (but once in awhile, can you cuddle with Daddy? I do like some sleep once in a while. Or convince Daddy to buy a bigger bed? that would work too..)



I hope you have a great sixth birthday. I'm sorry I was gone most of the day, but we will have lots of fun at your party tomorrow. I love you bug!!

Love,
Mommy

I Have A Dream...

With yesterday being Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I wanted to do a special Family Home Evening Activity. I got the idea from The R House; I just had to tweak it a bit since Emma can't have ice cream. I got some different kind of candy from the store, (gotta love the bulk section at Winco, baby!) and separated it into different bowls.










While we ate the candy, we talked about even though all the candy was different, it was all still yummy and we liked it all the same. Some were gummy, others were hard. The lips were cinnamon and the licorice tasted like cherry.

Then we got out the toys.

We talked about playing with all the toys even though they were different. The kids love all their toys and don't care about their differences.

We talked about being friends to everyone and anyone regardless of what they look like. I love that we have a trans racial family. I love that my children don't even think about skin color or the differences among people.

While I was giving the lesson, I thought things were going well. Towards the end, Christian said, "I thought this was suppose to be fun." Candy + Toys = Fun...or so he thought. I laughed; it was rather funny.

I wanted to talk with Christian and Emma about Martin Luther King Jr and what a great man he was. I'm not ready to talk about slavery with Christian yet. He will learn soon enough what things used to be like. I will protect him from the hatred and stupidity people had (and unfortunately, some still have) for as long as I can.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

Being Productive...

Last week I got things done!!
My sister and I threw a baby shower for my sister in law and I was in charge of the thank you's. I dipped forty pretzel sticks and they actually turned out...I think. They look cute, but I can't eat them. The smell of the melting chocolate makes my stomach turn; I have used it far too much. My printer is being stubborn and won't print in color so I had to make the tags myself. I think they turned out well.

I made two patch work quilts last week and forgot to take pictures of either one. Duh!! This frog material was the block I worked around. It also had purple, pink and yellow. The one I made for my sister in law turned out way cute. The one I made for church...well, yeah, not so much but I finally got it done.



I tried my first attempt at the latest craze: cake pops. The outcome wasn't so good. I think the cake part turned out kinda mushy. And again, I don't like the melting chocolate. I wasn't a big fan. Maybe we will try again when I have nothing to do. They looked much better then they tasted. The kids ate them up though...they must have not been that bad.




I was in charge of the weekly activity for the Mia Maid class for Young Women's last week. We made journal jars. I made one for an example and I think this could be a good thing to help me blog. There are a lot of times I want to blog but have nothing to say. You just print out a bunch of questions, put them in a jar and pull out a question a day or a week or whenever you want. I haven't used it yet, but my intentions are good. :)

I finally figured out why I had kids:

I kid. I kid. They were dying to use their new snow shovels their grandma bought for them. Cute kids!!

Friday Confessional #2

I confess:

I hate mommy guilty. I hate feeling like whatever I do or don't do, I am damaging my children. Some shrink is gonna make a lot of money one day when my kids are older. They are going to have lots of "mommy issues".

So what if my house is not the most organized and structured? I don't live on a rigid schedule where every breath is scheduled and every trip to the bathroom is written down. We do what we need to when we need to. We are on time to school every day. (too bad I can't say the same thing about church. don't judge me.) Sometimes we have plans and sometimes they don't always happen. Go with the flow, right? I'm sorry I don't plan six months in advance. I guess I'm too busy living in the moment.

My kids are loud..sometimes I am talking break the sound barrier loud. They have no idea what an inside voice is. But they have fun together. They play together. They laugh together. I think the rest of us just need to invest in decent ear plugs. I don't want to be a kill joy.

I have broken everyone of my New Year's Resolutions all ready. Seven days into the new year, and I suck!!

I have become a complete and total homebody. I use to hate being home all the time, now I hate leaving the house. Getting myself ready and out the door is almost too much for me. I have a Blogger's GNO later this month. Last time I went, I had a blast. I don't know if I want to go to this one this time. It requires me getting ready and leaving the house. Good thing I have no life or this new "condition" could be a lot worse.

I'm completely and totally addicted to Castle. I got season 1 and 2 on DVD for Christmas. Yeah, I am done with both seasons. I watched them over Christmas break while I got caught up on laundry and also while I walked on my treadmill. I have taken a bit of a break from watching season 3. But I bet I will be done by next week. Pathetic, I know.

I gained six pounds over Christmas Break. I think it's all in my cheeks. Whenever I talk on my phone, I seem to always hang up on whoever I am talking to...or at least that's what I tell them. I ate way too many goodies over the Holidays. My pants are a little tighter now. I'll do better...right after I have banana splits with my munchkins. :)

Resolutions...

I'm excited for the new year. I love feeling like I have a clean slate and can do anything.

What is in store for you in 2011?

I love setting New Year's Resolutions and have set a few for this year.

2011 Resolutions

-Be a Better Mommy

This is the most important goal I have set for myself this year. Less yelling. Less putting the kids second or even third sometimes. Less of "I'll play Barbies after I'm done with the laundry." Less of "I'll play Wii games after I do the dishes." And definitely less of "I'll feed you after this level of Angry Birds or this episode of Castle is over." (all right, it's not really that bad, but it's getting close.) The first day of 2011 was a good one. Emma and I played Babies and Christian had a special visit from the Kissy Monster.

-"Let it Go"

I am determined to StOp taking things so personally. I was ready to give Facebook (gasp!) up because a friend not only unfriended me, but then blocked me so I couldn't see them on Facebook. Seriously! At first I pretended I didn't care. Then I was mad. What did I ever do? Then my feelings got hurt. I went through everything on my account to see what I said or didn't say that could have been taken the wrong way. Why would this "friend" unfriend me? I still don't know. And yes, it still upsets me. I can't help it. Everything is so personal. My Christmas cards this year, that I designed and thought were really cute, were called "cheesy" by someone that I sent them to. It shouldn't have bothered me, but my feelings got hurt and I was upset. Why do I care what others think of me so much? I need to ReLaX!!!

I want to learn to let things go. To let them slide right off my back. But I don't know how. I hate thinking I upset someone or did something wrong. If I accidentally cut someone off in traffic, the next day I still feel bad. Ridiculous, I know. So I want to figure out how to not care so much. I don't want to become cold hearted, just not so tender hearted. I think the self help section of Barnes and Noble and I are going to become fast, good friends this year.

-Lose Weight

I like muffins, but I don't think I look good wearing one. My muffin top needs to go. Marcus has rigged up this snazzy set up on my treadmill with my cell phone. I can watch episodes of Castle and Grey's Anatomy while I run/walk. I am registered for the Ogden 1/2 marathon later this Spring and I so need to get my butt in shape. I enjoy my food a little too much. Sugar. Sugar. And more sugar. YuMmY!! I would love to be able to not have to do my "jean dance" to get my pants on. This is my year!!

-Live up to my reputation of Wonder Woman

I want to work on getting a grasp on my crazy life. Between family, work, church callings, volunteering, being taxi, trying to have a social life, and everything in between, I feel like my world is spinning out of control. To the outside world, I have complete control of my life. If only...


Marcus and I even set some goals together for the upcoming year. 2011 is going to be a great year for us!!

I would love to be able to say that we would be adding to our family in 2011, but I think one of my resolutions should be to come to terms that our family is complete. Not a resolution I want to actually accomplish, but come what may and love it, right?

My motto for the new year is "I can do hard things." I just need to keep reminding myself of this and I can accomplish anything.

HaPpY NeW YeAr!!!

Good Riddance 2010!!!

The year 2010 is over!!

How do I put this nicely...2010 was a year from Hell for us!!

I am so glad to see it go. I am so excited for what waits just around the corner in 2011.

Since we closed/sold for nothing both restaurants, we have been scrapping by. Just as we got to the bottom of the barrel with absolutely nothing left to scrape, Marcus received an incredible job offer. He doesn't start until mid-January so the next few weeks are going to be tricky. (Too bad neither one of us has an extra kidney to sell..) But I am so excited for Marcus to have this great opportunity and I am so excited for our family to get back to normal...as normal as we can be anyway.

We have many great opportunities waiting for us. We have learned a lot this past year about ourselves, about each other and about our family. I think Marcus and I have both grown a lot (and I'm not just talking about all the extra weight I have gained this year) and we are both better people for the trials we have experienced.

I am very glad to close the door on 2010 and can't wait for 2011. Great things are on the horizon for us.

Marcus and I plan on bringing the new year in in style!! Every year we have done something big: Disneyland, Denver, First Night in SLC or have had parties at our house with friends. This year we both just wanted to stay home. So it'll be just the two of us at midnight sitting in our pj's eating lots and lots of food. No traveling required. No mess to clean up. Just the two of us bringing in the New Year together.

Here's to hoping you all have a great and safe New Year!!

From Our Family To Yours...

We HoPe YoU HaVe A GrEaT HoLiDaY SeAsOn!!