Sunday, February 20, 2011

Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda....

The following post is not to gain sympathy or encourage anyone to build my self esteem. I have my issues and I have a blog; this is where I air my issues. I'm not fishing for compliments...
Yes, unfortunately for certain people I have to have this kind of disclaimer.
Everyone is entitled to a pity party ever now and then. Today it's my turn.

Anyway, on to my point..

I have always struggled with self esteem and self image issues. It's not anything I can blame on anyone else; not my parents, not my siblings, not my's just me. I was loved and praised as a child growing up and was always told how smart and wonderful and blah blah blah I was. I won't be on a shrink's couch anytime soon blaming my parents for my low self esteem and poor self image issues. I have always been a perfectionist and HATE to make mistakes or do anything wrong. If something doesn't come naturally to me, I quit. Bad habit, yes, I know.

I have never been happy with the way I look or with my body. Even before I got pregnant, gained 70 pounds and lost MOST of that, I was never happy with my body. I have been a size 5 before family life took over. Even then I wasn't thin enough. I have issues. You can get lost in my many chins. I have big cankles. (hence the blog name.) I am a shy, reserved person because I am too worried about looking like an idiot. I am so stinkin' self conscious of every little thing I do.

For example:

For those who are friends with me on Facebook know that I just did a photo shoot for an online clothing company.

They were having a contest for models for their new Spring line. All you had to was send in a picture of yourself and they would choose a handful of girls to model their new clothes. I was chosen to be one of the models!! I was so excited. I got to go to Park City, to a 4.25 MILLION DOLLAR mansion (it was HUGE!!) and model their Spring line. I was so excited to have this opportunity to feel like a model and try something I had never done before.

Only now...I completely regret it.
(No, I didn't pose nude and now regret the pictures. :) Geeze, people.)

The company is slowly releasing pictures here and there on their website and Facebook. I am in hardly any. I know, I sound like a spoiled brat and a baby. But my self esteem took a HUGE dip after the photo shoot. It has affected me more than I ever thought it would.

(They used a picture of me, but cut off my head so you can only see my chest!!!...I didn't know my face was that bad!) Okay, I'm only kidding about this part. They are showing off the flowers on this cardigan, I know that.

So of course I'm thinking they didn't use any of me because I was the biggest girl there...and I really was. I wasn't even in double digit sizes, but I was still the largest girl there. I thought the other girls were all prettier than me. Or I only won the contest because they felt sorry for me. And on and on and on. I felt like I was back in junior high. I didn't feel like I fit in and didn't know where I belonged.

I have now realized that it IS completely my fault that my pictures weren't used. But, it's not because of how big my thighs looked or the fact that I was having a bad hair day. I didn't LET myself have fun. I didn't let myself relax enough in front of the camera to get pictures that didn't look so stiff. I was too worried about looking dumb.

If I could go back and do it over again, I would do a lot of things differently. Relax. Have Fun. Smile. Be Silly. I need to apply that to all of my life, not just the photo shoot. I need to stop taking myself so seriously and be okay with making mistakes and doing stupid things.

I don't know how to build my self esteem now. I am in my 30's. I should be comfortable with who I am and like the person that I have become. I should love my body, imperfections and all. But I'm not and I don't. How do you conquer your fears of rejection and not being good enough? How do you start to love the person you are?

I don't completely regret finding the clothing company. I LOVE the clothes they have. They are affordable and modest, two things that are hard to find. Marcus may regret me finding them when we have a little extra money to throw around though...

I will continue to be involved with photography...I will just stay on the other end of the camera. I will continue to try to learn how to deal with my imperfections and insecurities. I will continue to hate my cankles...always have, always will. They aren't going anywhere. :)

Another disclaimer:
By no means am I talking bad about Impel Clothing or the other models there. They were all so awesome. Go check out Impel Clothing. They offer way cute stuff!


Kim said...

I finally gave in and had a girls night out last night. I realized at the end of it, I feel EXACTLY like you described here. So how do we figure out how to let loose and enjoy life? When you figure it out, let me know.

btw - i love your pics

amber said...

I often feel the same way! There are so many things out there telling us to be skinny and look a certain way and you will be beautiful. It's very hard to be comfortable in your own skin. You've probably heard something similar to this before, but when I'm getting down on myself I remember this story I've heard at church before.

Sister So-and-So brought Sister Whatshername the best homemade bread this afternoon. Sister Whatshername instantly thought, I wish I could bake even half as good as Sister So-and-So. She's so good at everything she does. But what Sister Whatshername doesn't realize is that Sister So-and-So wasn't the best of bakes at the beginning. When she first got married she would burn everything that went in the oven. She decided soon after she got married that she would work really hard to be able to cook and bake yummy things for her family to eat. It took many years, 25 in fact, for her to feel like she could take a meal to the ward dinner.

We compare our weakest point with someone else's greatest strength and that's what keeps us (me) down.

Anyways, that turned into a rrrreally long comment, but just thought I'd share. :)

By the way, I think you look awesome in all of the photos. :)

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Sariah said...

I'm sure being friends with Savannah doesn't help you either! I think you look great and I'd love to have a body like yours.

Limb's Just Branching Out! said...

We always want what we don't have, I am sure 10 years from now I would love to have my post pregnancy body back because it will have less wrinkles! I am trying to be thankful for the body I have now because I didn't appreciate the one I had in high school!