Time for Friday Confessional again. I really love these kind of posts; I get to write down a bunch of random thoughts and feelings and not worry about trying to make sense of it. So here we go. Hold on, it's gonna be a wild ride.
Not the "I've just ran 13 miles" exhausted.
Not the "I stayed up too late and got up too early" exhausted.
Not even the "I haven't had my daily Diet Coke" exhausted.
I'm the kind of exhausted that comes from trying to hard: trying to be someone I'm not. Trying to please everyone and feeling like I am letting everyone down instead. Trying to figure things and just ending up more lost than before.
I'm stuck in a rut and can't seem to find my way out. Every so often I think, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today is going to be the day that things change." Without fail, that exact day turns out to be an icky kind of day. So I end up gorging myself on cheeseburgers, french fries and cookies. I feel better for about five minutes and then feel guilty for eating my weight in nasty, greasy food.
The kind of exhausted that comes from moving but not going anywhere.
I find myself living vicariously through a handful of blogs I read. They are the kind of blogs that only talk about rainbows and butterflies, never the storms before the rainbow. They have the perfect families, spotless houses and amazing friends. They are the perfect moms who sew, bake, cook and craft like Martha freaking Stewart. They are the opposite of me, maybe that's why I enjoy reading them so much. I used to have a spotless house. Everything had it's place and everything made sense. Only homemade cookies if we were to make cookies. Twice in the past week we have made cookies; they just had to be put on a cookie sheet and put into the oven. No cutting out or frosting required. Did the kids care? No. Did I care? You bet your sweet booty I did. Next time we make cookies, I'm sure they will all ready be cut out and ready to go. I can't even access my craft room at the moment. My Valentine's decorations are still in the garage. I have good intentions of getting stuff done, but that's about how far I get these days.
I hate how I can write really good blog posts in my head while I am driving down the freeway. Then I get home and I try to write a post, and I sound like I am in fifth grade trying to write a complete sentence. Grrrr...it's annoying. I have lots of good ideas for posts, but I never get to writing them down.
I am too lazy to walk up to bed. I am now on my third episode of The Nanny on Nick at Nite. I love The Nanny. It cracks me up.
My three year old is OBSESSED with Justin Bieber. I mean completely and totally head over heals in love with his boy. She is three. I think she is gonna need therapy soon. She listens to his CD non-stop. She has to have it on to go to sleep at night. She takes it with us in car. She will lay in her room and listen to it for hours. She has this white tiger that is bigger than she is. She has decided that he is Justin Bieber. He also goes everywhere with us. My mom, bless her heart, bought Emma a Justin Bieber t-shirt. She would wear it all the time if I let her. She says she is going to marry him in the temple. If you say anything bad about him, she gets honestly upset. It started out as cute, but now it's a little extreme. Come on, she's three. I fear what she is going to be like when she is 13.
Today is the one year anniversary of my surgery. Medically speaking (regarding the kidney anyway) it is safe to get pregnant now. Now I just need to convince the husband. Realistically we can not afford adoption, like ever again. Unless we win the lottery. Or come across some rich uncle that leaves us a small fortune. I feel like someone is missing from our family. There is room in my heart for another baby. But I don't think my patience has anymore room at the moment. Maybe someday...
Pepe, the wonderful man who received my kidney, is doing wonderful. I received a very nice card from him in the mail today. His medication has been cut in half and he says he has a new lease on life. I love that I was able to make someone's life better.
All right, now that the fourth episode of The Nanny is starting, I think it's my bedtime. So go check out the rest of the Friday Confessionals and link up. It's refreshing, like a free mini therapy session.