Friday, February 11, 2011

Friday Confessional: Free Therapy...


Time for Friday Confessional again. I really love these kind of posts; I get to write down a bunch of random thoughts and feelings and not worry about trying to make sense of it. So here we go. Hold on, it's gonna be a wild ride.

I confess:

I'm exhausted.
Not the "I've just ran 13 miles" exhausted.
Not the "I stayed up too late and got up too early" exhausted.
Not even the "I haven't had my daily Diet Coke" exhausted.
I'm the kind of exhausted that comes from trying to hard: trying to be someone I'm not. Trying to please everyone and feeling like I am letting everyone down instead. Trying to figure things and just ending up more lost than before.

I'm stuck in a rut and can't seem to find my way out. Every so often I think, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today is going to be the day that things change." Without fail, that exact day turns out to be an icky kind of day. So I end up gorging myself on cheeseburgers, french fries and cookies. I feel better for about five minutes and then feel guilty for eating my weight in nasty, greasy food.

The kind of exhausted that comes from moving but not going anywhere.

I confess:

I find myself living vicariously through a handful of blogs I read. They are the kind of blogs that only talk about rainbows and butterflies, never the storms before the rainbow. They have the perfect families, spotless houses and amazing friends. They are the perfect moms who sew, bake, cook and craft like Martha freaking Stewart. They are the opposite of me, maybe that's why I enjoy reading them so much. I used to have a spotless house. Everything had it's place and everything made sense. Only homemade cookies if we were to make cookies. Twice in the past week we have made cookies; they just had to be put on a cookie sheet and put into the oven. No cutting out or frosting required. Did the kids care? No. Did I care? You bet your sweet booty I did. Next time we make cookies, I'm sure they will all ready be cut out and ready to go. I can't even access my craft room at the moment. My Valentine's decorations are still in the garage. I have good intentions of getting stuff done, but that's about how far I get these days.

I confess:

I hate how I can write really good blog posts in my head while I am driving down the freeway. Then I get home and I try to write a post, and I sound like I am in fifth grade trying to write a complete sentence.'s annoying. I have lots of good ideas for posts, but I never get to writing them down.

I confess:

I am too lazy to walk up to bed. I am now on my third episode of The Nanny on Nick at Nite. I love The Nanny. It cracks me up.

I confess:

My three year old is OBSESSED with Justin Bieber. I mean completely and totally head over heals in love with his boy. She is three. I think she is gonna need therapy soon. She listens to his CD non-stop. She has to have it on to go to sleep at night. She takes it with us in car. She will lay in her room and listen to it for hours. She has this white tiger that is bigger than she is. She has decided that he is Justin Bieber. He also goes everywhere with us. My mom, bless her heart, bought Emma a Justin Bieber t-shirt. She would wear it all the time if I let her. She says she is going to marry him in the temple. If you say anything bad about him, she gets honestly upset. It started out as cute, but now it's a little extreme. Come on, she's three. I fear what she is going to be like when she is 13.

I confess:

Today is the one year anniversary of my surgery. Medically speaking (regarding the kidney anyway) it is safe to get pregnant now. Now I just need to convince the husband. Realistically we can not afford adoption, like ever again. Unless we win the lottery. Or come across some rich uncle that leaves us a small fortune. I feel like someone is missing from our family. There is room in my heart for another baby. But I don't think my patience has anymore room at the moment. Maybe someday...

Pepe, the wonderful man who received my kidney, is doing wonderful. I received a very nice card from him in the mail today. His medication has been cut in half and he says he has a new lease on life. I love that I was able to make someone's life better.

All right, now that the fourth episode of The Nanny is starting, I think it's my bedtime. So go check out the rest of the Friday Confessionals and link up. It's refreshing, like a free mini therapy session.


Mamarazzi said...

you gave up a kidney?

wow...i am impressed.

and really you should not sweat the perfect mom thing. your kids were happy with the cookies. and honestly no one's life is THAT perfect.

plus you have that whole "kidney thing" that most def pays for "your mansion above"

i really am impressed by that.

ok the j-beebs 15 yr old nice is obsessed with him too and got mad at my hubs because he suspected J-beebs might be gay for having a seagull tattoo on his hip bone.

i tried to be on her side...i really did until i thought back 20 yrs and would not believe anyone that George Michael might be gay.


but i don't really thin j-beebs is gay.

ok i think i left a way too wordy comment. sorry!

thanks so much for linking up your Friday Confessional!

Anonymous said...

WOW, are we twins? I feel like we are. I, too, live vicariously through other peoples blogs and wished my life was half as interesting as theirs.

Also, my writings seems better in my head and really bad on print. Ugh....why, why!

Nancy said...

I just found you through the link up from Friday Confessionals. Your post made me chuckle.

I heart The Nanny! It is seriously a guilty pleasure of mine. My hubby doesn't understand.

My cousin and aunt have both had kidney transplants. I'm in awe of your generous gift of life! Wow. Well done you seems a bit of an understatement!

Rachel Murphy said...

Wow you gave up part of "you" to help someone else. I wish I was that brave and selfless. I have thought about doing something like that but that is all it ever has been is thought. I am so very impressed.

Ok no one has it all rainbows and butterflies they just want to think they do. Don't compare their best to your worst... You will never win. And you deserve to win! Enjoyed the honesty of your confession... thanks for sharing :)

AndreaLeigh said...

What a great post.

"I have good intentions of getting stuff done, but that's about how far I get these days."

I feel the exact same way. Honestly, I feel you on the exhaustion thing. Mine is more so because I feel like I do every single thing I can do for my family, and my husband doesn't see what I do nor appreciate it. & its making me resent him. I'm tired and it makes me crabby and irritated, and that's not the mom I want to be for me some. I need patience but I don't know where to find it.

I agree with the others, though... those picture perfect blogs are lies. They are just afraid to show the storms.

Anonymous said...

Man, it sounds cliche and patronizing but I connected with and understood everything you said in this post. Right there with you...

Sara said...

I love your honesty. I completely understand the cookies.

In December I had a mini meltdown about the same sort of things. - December we have 4 birthdays, Christmas and all the other Christmas Parties. I was working on all the details of our daughter's first birthday and I was stressing. My husband says, "Do you really think it matters to anyone if the cookies are homemade?" My answer, "No, your family does not give a hoot if anything is special. It matters to me!" Yep, that was my mini-meltdown, and I understand he was just trying to help de-stress.

Have a great weekend! Feel free to stop by and follow back.

VandyJ said...

I avoid those "perfect" blogs. They make me feel bad. I'm so far from perfect, but I do the best I can. If I can make homemade meals, provide clean clothes, dishes and a semi-clean house, I'm winning. AND I often have good intentions, but the follow through, almost always lacking.

jennykate77 said...

I write really good posts in my head too...and then something happens between my brain and my blog. It sounds really good in my head though.

I LOVE that your 3 year old is in love with the Bieb!!! LOL. That. Is. Awesome. I love the Bieb too. I've got Beiber Fever.

Sorry you've been in a rut. Hoping you find your way out ASAP!

Love your blog!

Kim said...

Oh sister, sister, sister. You know I know EXACTLY how you feel on each and every point here. But I see your world from the outside and I promise, to steal a phrase from a very wise woman, you are doing just fine. I know it's hard to not think you are, and THAT'S what matters but right now you just need to focus on getting through the storm to get to your butterflies and rainbows. Because you WILL find them. You deserve them and every single day you earn them more and more. I know there's nothing out there to help you feel okay with store-bought cookie dough or messy countertops or the empty space from another little Gilbert or the insane obsession of a teenage boy by a pre-schooler!!!! BUT! That you can acknowledge all of it, know your expectations and your limits and truck along gets you one step closer to getting to where you want to be and WILL be. Besides, I’m pretty sure those with the “Perfect” little lives don’t have HALF the personality and awesomeness you do in your pinky toe. I just love your Friday confessions. You always do them with humor, I always relate, and they always make me wanna roll my eyes at you because if I didn’t KNOW you – you’d be one of those “perfect” people I have to hate :P Well, perfect with the exception of the Bieber-obsessed 3-year old :P

Tasia said...

Your baby is adorable! And you're right, she probably will be an interesting 13 year old. I love how she says she's going to marry him in the temple. I guess that means someone better get started on converting the dude :)

When I was 3 I had a huge crush on the blonde kid from barney (this was early 90s) he was also my imaginary friend and he went everywhere with, just hope it doesn't go that far :)

Sara Richins said...

That was totally me last year. Stuck in a rut, unhappy, depressed. I know, it's terrible to say that. But really, that's the truth. I stopped reading those life is great blogs because it can't be that great. I mean, I just threw a sippy cup at a wall because my daughter begged for it, and after I got it for her, she refused to come get it. (Yeah, mom of the year here)

What got me to turn around and really live life and not be unhappy, was just get back to the basics. You know, standard sunday school answers. Read, pray, go to church. All that. So simple, but it worked. Plus lots and lots of blessing from the hubby. And choosing to be happy and picking my battles with the kids. It really helped. (ok, maybe not this week so much, but we all can't be perfect)

Really, hang in there. This too shall pass.

And kudos for you for giving your kidney. That is awesome! WOW!

Anonymous said...

i would give a kidne up 2 i guess . that's cool