When Did I Become Such a Sissy Girl Thing?!

I am the biggest baby in the world today. I am not normally a very emotional, sappy person; today I was the definition of a very emotional, sappy person. I took Emma to daycare with Christian for the first time today. I have things I need to do each week with one of our restaurants, and I have to tackle getting this house back to Monica standards. After much thought and feelings of failure, (because I should be able to do everything perfectly all the time with two little ones hanging on my legs)I decided once a week Emma and Christian would go to daycare. I dropped them off this morning and left my typical rundown of how much of a diva my baby is and to call me if she won't stop crying, blah, blah...my typical over protective, paranoid freak "you know everything I am telling you because you run your own daycare and have been doing this for years" but I know my baby is going to be the exception to the norm spill. Emma didn't even notice when I left. My baby doesn't rely on me to fulfill her every need like she used to. She can survive and be just fine without me...realizing that hurt. (It did make me feel a lot better when I picked them up and they told me that fifteen minutes after I left, Emma realized that I was gone and wigged!) When the lady handed Emma to me, she looked right at me, poked out her bottom lip and the tears started to fall. It was terribly sad but YES! She missed me. After all things were said and done, taking them both to daycare was a very smart choice. I got my work done and my closet and bathroom cupboards cleaned out.

After I picked up the little ones, we went to register Christian for preschool later in the fall. He's not old enough for preschool; he's still a baby. I take my baby to daycare and register my other baby for preschool. Where has the time gone? I think Christian will really like the preschool we chose for him. I didn't really know exactly what to look for in a school, but this one will be fun for him; pricey, but fun. We do have to have him potty trained by the end of August. The preschool won't take him if he's still in diapers. I can't say I blame them; it would be much easier for a lot of people if he would get trained. So we started a little more aggressively pursuing the training today. That was loads of fun.

So while the kids were gone this morning and my work was done, I cleaned out my closet and bathroom cupboards. The spring cleaning bug has bit me early. I want to empty out my whole house and start over. I started with my closet because it was driving me crazy. Who know cleaning out a closet could be so emotional?! I boxed up my maternity clothes; don't really need them anymore. I couldn't get rid of them though. Who knows, maybe in a few years I will want to throw up everyday and gain 70 pounds again; that sounds great! Then I donated a butt load of clothes including suits I used to wear when I had a "real" job. I have no need for them now and if I do join the workforce again, the suits aren't going to be in style then. I feel like I am closing the door to many chapters in my life. It's kinda sad and a little depressing, but where one door closes, another one opens...or something.

There was a shelf in my closet that had a bunch of scrapbook stuff and odds and ends that needed to go to the basement that I am just too lazy to take down there. I can't just throw it in a box and take it downstairs; I had to go throw and look at everything. I am a sissy. The tears started flowing. I found the bag that had all of Emma's stuff from the hospital: her little shirt she wore, her bracelet, her footprints, her little name card. Where has the time gone? She used to be so little! Then I found the letter we wrote to Tammie when we started the whole adoption process. Yes, bawling some more. Then to top it all off, I am going through my wedding album, and I find the two pages I scrapped of my miscarriage. I had forgotten all about them. I had written a letter to the baby and scrapped a couple of pictures of presents he/she had gotten. I have my own ideas and thoughts on my miscarriage that I won't share right now, but I am okay with things. It was just a shock to my system to find those unexpectedly. It brought back all the emotions and feelings that I had immediately after losing the baby.

After I found those pages, I had decided enough was enough. No more bawling. I had work to do. I dried my tears and got to work. I finished the closet and moved on to the bathroom. How many different bottles of hairspray, shampoo, gels, and freaking lip gloss does one girl need?! There was a time where I would have never thrown any of that stuff away; you never know when you are going to need silver nail polish or five eyeliners all in the same color. I have a whole garbage bag ready to go outside. It felt so good to get rid of so much stuff. I want to do the rest of my house now, but I have to do it in spurts so I don't make the house a bigger mess then it is now. I have this habit of making a bigger mess when I am trying to clean than what there was before I started.

Cleaning out these two areas today made me realize that I am a different person then I was even a year ago. Things that were so important then, just don't matter as much anymore. I don't need the name brand jeans and clothes to be happy. All the lip gloss in the world isn't going to do a thing for me in the long run. Sure, it'll make me hot now, but that's only temporary. :)

If I was this emotional cleaning out these two small areas, what's gonna happen when I get to the basement? Grab your life vest...there just might be a flood!!