Monday, August 25, 2008

Before My Head Explodes...

I've been living in a fog the past week. Life is so crazy and busy; so much going on and things to do. Marcus finally has a date set for his surgery. They will be going in on September 12 for the surgery. I'm not worried about the it. I know that sounds bad, but I know Marcus is doing the right thing; he was lead to Juan for a reason. We will be so blessed after the surgery. To be totally honest, I'm glad it's almost over. Marcus is always on the phone doing interviews for TV or newspaper or being the one helping with the fund raising. Other states are even picking up the story. Any exposure the story picks up is great, hopefully that means more donations for Juan. Many of our friends, neighbors and ward members have asked us what they can do to help. I don't ask for help. I don't like to admit to myself or anyone else that I can't do everything by myself. We will probably have meals brought in for a few days and a friend's son will do the yard work so I don't have to try to mow the lawn while I am holding Christian and Emma...that would be fun.

I haven't talked about the surgery much before this. I am very surprised at people's reactions. To Marcus and me, deciding to donate a kidney was very easy. We found out that Juan needed a transplant and we both decided to get tested. Marcus went first and WOW! he was a match. Many people have told us that they don't think they could do what he is doing. We don't think it's a big deal. We have been given the opportunity to help save Juan's life and know things will be okay.....I say we...cuz I'm doing anything, but you get the point.

I have apologized to Marcus a couple of times through this whole process. A lot of people have asked if I am okay with him doing this and how I feel about the surgery. I am completely fine with him doing this and am not worried. Maybe I should be. This is gonna sound horrible, but to me, it's not that big of a deal. Marcus is amazing for being willing to do this, but I would like to think that anyone who was given the chance to help someone else would do it. I am learning that Marcus and I have a different outlook and attitude about this whole thing.

I am struggling with all the attention and hype Marcus and our family is getting for this whole thing. I feel like I have to put on a big smile and be happy. I hope I am putting on a good show because I am suffering silently. I had a miscarriage last week and I am not quite sure how to deal with it or handle it. For starters, I am not sharing this bit of personal information to get sympathy or attention. I have been very distant and quiet and feel like I owe some an explanation. I also need to get this out so I can deal with it better than I currently am..which is not at all. I keep myself so busy that I don't think about things. I'm just waiting for the time that it just all comes out. We didn't know we were pregnant. We weren't even trying. Emma is only 14 months old and between her and Christian, I am not ready for a baby or to be pregnant since I was so sick with Emma the whole time. The first miscarriage we had was heart breaking and life changing. We were so excited to finally be pregnant after trying so hard for so long. We had plans and we knew there was a baby. This time around, we didn't have plans or know there was a baby. I am sad. I am heartbroken. But I feel like I am not sad enough or heartbroken enough. I lost a baby again. It's horrible. I know it's okay to be sad, but I don't find myself wanting to deal with it. I didn't go to the doctor. I didn't want to hear the "I'm sorry" or the "There's nothing we can do" or the "It's not your fault" that they would all say.

There isn't such a thing as a good time for to lose a baby, but now is such bad timing. Getting ready for Marcus' surgery, the busy photography season is picking up, Marcus being really involved in helping raise money for Juan, all the house projects we have going, all the church stuff we both have going on...I feel like there isn't time to mourn. Even Marcus admitted he doesn't know what to say to me about it. I don't know either. I know that I do want another baby eventually. I do know that things happen for a reason. I do know that what happened sucks. But I don't know how to make myself feel better. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I am dealing with this loss much better then the first. There have been less tears and less break downs. Maybe it happened now for a reason. I don't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. Maybe if we weren't so busy, I would be much more of an emotional wreck. I'm crazy enough on a normal day.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes for Marcus on his surgery and thank you to those few that knew about the miscarriage for your concern as well. We are blessed to have such great family and friends.


Crystal and Bryan said...

Hi Monica,

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I hope you are okay. Good luck to your DH and his surgery! And, it's great to see someone that I know that has adopted. You are right, no one understands!

~Mandy~ said...

Wow Monica, you have a lot on your plate. I wish you the best, we have had a miscarriage before too, and it really only gets better with time and knowing that things happen for a reason :)

Brynn said...

When I have a patient that has had a miscarriage I always say, "it happens for a reason". Well, it doesn't make it any easier. That doesn't ease your pain or suffering or the questions of "why?". But what else do I say? I've wondered many times and I have yet to come up with the right answer. All I can say is I'm sorry and that I do hope you are doing well. You have got so much going on right now and it seems like you are handling everything incredibly well. You are a strong girl. My thoughts are with you!