Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Life Can Change in a Second

Today our lives possibly changed forever. I know the Lord doesn't give us more then we can handle, but He is definitely pushing my limits. My OB/GYN's office called this morning and said that some blood work I had done at my last visit came back abnormal. The blood test tested for possible defects, among other things. My results were lower than what they should be for how far along the doctor thinks I am. The nurse said that this increases my chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome. We go in for our big ultrasound in three weeks. At this time, they want us to meet with a Genetic Counselor. The nurse tried to reassure me that the results didn't really mean anything, but by this point it didn't matter what she said. My world had stopped and turned upside down.
After everything we have been through to actually get pregnant and then as hard as this pregnancy has been, how much more can I take before I reach my breaking point? Three weeks of not knowing anything; expecting the worse, hoping for the best. It could possibly be longer than three weeks. If the ultrasound doesn't rule anything out, the only thing that will give us a definite answer is doing an amniocentesis. I have never been a big believer in this test. It can cause a miscarriage, it sounds horrible, and it doesn't change anything about the outcome of the baby. But now that I could possibly be in the situation where knowing the results can affect the rest of my life, I don't know what to think or believe. Of course, no matter what happens, this baby will be loved and wanted. The thought of terminating the pregnancy has never and will never cross our minds. We may face more challenges then originally expected, but if the Lord thinks we can handle it, then we can handle it.
I think the hardest part for me is I have imagined the life this baby will lead, all the things they will do and accomplish. Now I don't know if that will be possible. I have done a lot of reading today on the different tests, on Down Syndrome, on so much stuff I never had given a second thought about. I have learned so much in the last twelve hours. The hardest part is the waiting. I am making myself sick and all I can do is lay on the couch. I feel entitled to sit around (at least for today) and feel sorry for myself and mope around. I know that can't be what I do forever, but today I don't feel guilty.

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