Monday, October 16, 2006

Worst Kept Secret

I can't keep secrets. I tell everybody everything. I can keep secrets that other people tell, just not anything about me or my life. Marcus and I got some news about a week and a half ago that we were determined to keep to ourselves. He told one of his sisters because we had a question regarding our secret. I told my sister because she is "my person", but no one else was going to be told anything for awhile. We went back and forth on this for awhile, and then changed our minds...A couple of times. After the sealing on Saturday, both of our families all went to lunch together. We changed our minds for the final time. We told our secret that we weren't going to tell anyone until at least December. We are pregnant!

There are so many mixed emotions to this whole thing. Ultimately, this is great news, but right up there with great news is extreme fear. Last time we were pregnant, we lost the baby at six weeks. After the miscarriage, we did a few different infertility treatments that didn't work. Then we brought Christian home and none of that mattered any more. We had put getting pregnant far out of our minds. We were perfectly content adopting. (which we still plan on doing again.) After being in Vegas and not feeling so great and being late with my monthly visitor, Marcus and I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Before Christian, I had taken so many of those darn things that I should have bought stock in that company; I would be a millionaire. I all ready knew what the results were going to be...The same thing it was time after time. I was tired of the disappointment. This time would have been better because we have our baby, but I was still afraid of the heartache. Then the one line appeared....Then the other line appeared. Seriously?! Seriously?! After all this time, it finally happened. I was completely speechless. There were so many thoughts swimming around in my mind: We aren't ready for another baby. We just barely got Christian. He deserves to be our baby for awhile. What if this pregnancy doesn't work either? Can I lose another baby? How do I go for the next while not freaking out over every little thing?

Marcus and I went to the doctor for confirmation. It is a new doctor from last time and so far, I really like him. He seems to watching us pretty closely. He has done a few different blood tests to make sure things are going along the way they should. He also did an ultrasound to see if he could see anything. We have a sac!! It was too early for him to see anything inside of it, but we go back in tomorrow to see if we can see anything yet. This pregnancy has made me a lot sicker and I have a lot more symptoms then last time. I know that means nothing, but whatever helps me get through this, I will hold onto.

I hate not having control over situations in my life. There is not a thing I can control about this pregnancy at this point. I just need to pray that whatever is suppose to happen will happen. Every night I thank God for letting me have another day of being pregnant...Right now that is all I can do.

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