Monday, January 21, 2008

And I Want More?!

Let me start off by saying that I love my little babies; I really, really do. They are such great blessings and miracles; sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be their mommy. They are adorable and funny little kids....but sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind.

Let me start with Christian. He is my favorite little man and I am the luckiest person in the world to have him call me mommy...but he knows how to push my buttons. He hides his demon side to the outside world, but behind close doors, the monster comes out. He has so much energy and gets into everything. (and I mean everything-the fridge, toothpaste, Liquid Nails, Sharpies, makeup, fingernail polish, his own poopy get the point.) For some reason, Christian has decided that he doesn't have to listen to a word I say. Marcus only has to walk into the room, and Christian will do whatever he is suppose to or stop doing whatever he isn't suppose to be doing. I can ask nicely, I can scream and holler, I can beg, I can even cry...and nothing. He will run from me or laugh at me. Putting him in time out is a joke. He has a special time out chair that I made for him that he has to sit in for two minutes. He has started to not stay sitting down and if you tell him to sit down, he will put the chair to his behind and walk with it behind him like he is sitting down. He has watched Elmo in Grouchland too many times. Whenever he gets upset or you hurt his feelings, he tells you, "You're not my friend!" I hear that numerous times everyday. He has told me to "Back off, freak". He laughs at me when I ask him to do something or just flat out ignores me. Nothing is more frustrating to me then the way Christian treats me. I know he is only two. I know it is a phase he is going through. I know things will get better. I don't want to hear those things. I want to hear how to handle it so I don't end up going crazy or constantly yelling at the poor boy.
With as big of a monster as Christian can be, he is still the sweetest, cutest thing in the world. He calls me his sweetheart and tells me I'm beautiful. He is very sensitive and caring. I love that little boy.

Then there is little Miss Emma. Emma. Emma. Emma. She is everywhere all the time and doesn't know how to sit still. She climbed our stairs from bottom to top all by herself the other day. The developmental emails I get weekly says she should be crawling soon....ummm, Emma has been crawling for over a month. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she was walking in the next month or two. She is all ready trying to stand up while she is crawling. She will hold onto the table and the couch and walk around them. She climbs stairs and tries to climb out of her pack n play and her crib. She still isn't sleeping through the night. I don't remember the last time I had a full, good night of sleep. I totally blame myself for this though. When she was a newborn, I didn't let her fuss during the night without getting her and I didn't put her to bed awake. She doesn't know how to soothe herself to sleep or back to sleep. I have read numerous articles and am working on reading books to try to fix this. I am failing miserably. I know that it will take time and lots of lost sleep for her to learn to sleep through the night. I don't need to hear how your baby slept through the night at three weeks and grew up to be freaking Mother Teresa. Good for you and your baby. I am working on it. Emma loves to eat and I think those baby puff things are laced with crack. She has her two bottom teeth and uses them frequently on things she shouldn't. She loves to be down playing and crawling around. I can't turn my back on her for two seconds.

Christian + Emma + my OCD issues = crazy, never a dull minute, fun filled days. ( I use the term "fun" in a couple of different ways.) Some days I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a long while. I feel guilty sometimes; I wanted children so badly for so long then I am finally blessed with them and I feel like I am failing them as a mom. I need to know how others do this. You see moms who have it all together, I hate them. I really do...okay not really, but they do suck. I want to be the kind of mom other moms hate.


Kim said...

"I want to be the kind of mom other moms hate."

You are.

Monica said...

Hate you. Wouldn't want to date you.

Monica said...

But I want to be hated for being a good mom...not for other reasons.